"The following story depicts real-life public figures engaged in completely fictional, false and untrue activities. Nothing in it ever happened. Nothing in it ever will happen. This story is a work of fantasy and satire which in no way professes to express the truth about the life, thoughts, feelings, desires, opinions, beliefs, activities or sexual orientation of any person mentioned herein."

One day, Elijah Wood woke up and was horrified to discover that he'd turned into a boy.

A scream from next door told him that Orlando was suffering the same mysterious affliction.

"Orlando?" he called, his voice disconcertingly deep.

"Lij?" an equally deep and equally panicked reply came. 'What the hell?'

"Hang on, I'll come in to where you are." Elijah swung his legs over the side of the bed and realised that there was no conceivable way he could walk down the hotel corridor in a Little Miss Naughty nightshirt in the current circumstances. Billy had swiped everyone's bathrobes, pointing out that if people were going to make jokes about stingy Scotsmen he might as well have some free luxury items to show for it. The only choice, it seemed, was for Elijah to wrap himself in the -

Oh.

Elijah realised that the sheets and his Little Miss Naughty nightshirt were both bearing marks of his new and obvious maleness. This had ceased to be even curiously funny. He wanted his soft ordinary girl body back, and he wanted it right now.

Grabbing the sheet and wrapping it around his uncomfortably muscled legs, Elijah dashed to Orlando's room next door. Even through his blinding terror and confusion, it was hard not to laugh at the sight of Orlando Bloom in a light blue satin camisole and panties, as male as anyone had ever been.

"What the hell?" they said again, in unison, wearing matching expressions of surprise.

****

The first person to see the new and uh, improved Elijah was Orlando. The second person was Sean Astin, who followed the screaming down the hall to Orlando's room and swore loudly. Then stared, until both Orlando and Elijah shut the door on him. They didn't say anything, didn't move as the confusion outside grew.

Someone banged on the door and the pair of them squeaked. Billy's worried burr came though the door, "'Lij...Orli, what in the hell is going on? Sean looks like he's seen a ghost. Unlock the door, please."

Orlando turned to Elijah, "We're gonna have to let them in soon, you know. For one thing, I really need to go to the bathroom...'

Billy and Sean had been joined by Peter and Ian and Dominic and Viggo outside, the calls for Elijah and Orlando to open the door now, please, growing more frantic.

"You do realise." Elijah said after a long and weighted moment of silence. "That we have a much bigger problem than telling people."

"What?"

"Tolkien fans. What're they going to think when Frodo and Legolas randomly turn into boys? Because I don't really remember that from the books."

"Oh. Shit. Didn't think of that. Um... we could wear falsies until we change back, couldn't we? This can't last long."

"You're going to play Legolas Greenleaf with a padded bra? The fans are going to eat you alive."

They'd locked the door on a gobsmacked Sean and were now sitting on the bed staring at each other. Orlando reached over and poked Elijah's shoulder. "Uh... we aren't going go though puberty again, right?"

"I hope not."

When they finally unlocked the door and looked out, they found the entire fellowship plus Peter standing outside it in a huddle of worried faces. The worried looks turned to shocked as they all got a close and personal look at what exactly had happened to two of their members. Sean peeked out from behind his hand and muttered, "I was seeing things this morning, wasn't I?"

There was a stunned silence and Billy said "No." and Sean whimpered pitifully.

Orlando spoke, "Ah.. guys, I kinda really need to go to the bathroom.." A quick whispered consultation later and Billy and Orlando vanished into the bathroom and the rest of the fellowship, minus Viggo who'd gone to go get his camera, filed into the room.

Elijah tucked the bedsheet more securely around him and clambered back on to the bed. The room was silent until the sound of the toilet flushing signified the return of Orlando and Billy.

Once everyone was all together again, Orlando and Elijah sitting on the bed and everyone else spread about the room, the conversation turned to what had happened and how they were going to deal with it. Peter had fetched a notebook and his well-worn copy of the book and was currently trying to work out which scenes could be used to disguise the sudden maleness of two of the female leads. While Dom and Billy stared in amusement at the sight of Orlando in his camisole. This made Orlando twitchy and soon he was on his feet and poking around in the closet for clothes to wear. Ian announced that he was going to go order room service from his room to save any embarrassment and would be back shortly.

Orlando turned around holding a handful of lacey underthings "Uh.. problem. I can't wear these anymore, neither can Lij" Everyone nodded and Orlando slid back on to the bed in disgust "And I don't know about you Lij but I refuse to go commando." It was decided then and there that a shopping trip was definitely going to be in order but until then they'd have to borrow a pair of boxers off one of the other guys. Elijah, who hadn't really said anything since they'd unlocked the door, pointed out that the majority of his offset clothes were kind of... girly and not suited to his current situation, so Billy, who was the closest in size to him, offered to lend him some jeans and a T-shirt.

When Ian returned with breakfast and Viggo in tow, both Elijah and Orlando were dressed in jeans and shirts and looked slightly less shocking, practically normal if you didn't know that less than 24 hours ago both of them were girls. Orlando hadn't really suffered any major changes apart from the fact he was male, he'd broadened out on the shoulders a bit and what had been thin and girlish was now lean and muscled. Elijah on the other hand had gone from being small and dainty to being somewhat less dainty and a couple inches taller. He'd still kept his thin waist though because Billy's jeans were held up with a belt that has been given an extra hole or two in order to fit and the big doe-like eyes.

The current idea was to go with the flow and film scenes that would disguise the biological changes. Which meant, with a little bit of rescheduling, they'd get all the heavy clothing scenes done now and hopefully they'd have changed back before it was time to do the scenes in Cirith Ungol where Elijah would be required to be naked and female. Thankfully, they were due to start filming the snow scenes later that day.

****

Elijah managed to adapt to his new center of gravity faster than Orlando, but had the added burden of the fact he'd not only turned into a boy, but a teenage boy at that. This led to embarrassment on both sides as the new teenaged boy side of him decided that making appearances at the worst possible time was a good thing to do.

He also kept pulling his trousers out from his waist to inspect the unfamiliar view, until Sean rolled his eyes and said "Jeez, Lij, stop doing that. It's freaking me out enough that you're a guy all of a sudden, can you quit reminding me?"

"But.. but...' Elijah protested. 'It's just there, all the time. Isn't it, you know, distracting? Especially in the cold?"

Orlando tried to walk lightly on the snow in an elvish manner and ended up falling over backwards again. Peter swore, called for everyone to take five, and asked Ian to show Orlando how to adjust to male fat distribution again. Mister (née Miss) Bloom had developed a habit of tugging at the top of the boxers, the ones he had borrowed from Dominic, and announcing to anyone around him that he wanted his underwear back and soon, thankyouverymuch.

The trouble of the thing, Viggo decided, was that Orlando was actually better looking as a boy. This was hardly going to be taken as a compliment if Viggo told him so, but what had been skinniness before was lankyness now, the determined line of his mouth softened by the perspective of a stronger chin.

Orlando had been a cute girl, but he was a fine piece of ass as a man.

Unfortunately Viggo had turned Orlando down prior to the unexpected chromosome polka, and now that he very much wanted in Orlando's disliked boxers the chance was gone. 'You're hotter now that you switched genders' wasn't the greatest pickup line in the history of dating.

"You coming with us to the pub?" Billy asked him, same as always. Viggo looked over at where Orlando was twisting from side to side in an attempt to get a good view of the back of his own thighs, and turned down the invitation gracefully by banging his head against the wall until Billy walked away.

They always went out on Saturday nights when Sunday was a free day, it was almost tradition already and neither Orlando nor Elijah wanted to skip it just because all their going-out clothes were sparkly little miniskirts. They borrowed pants and shirts off the others and set out, curious to test their new alcohol consumption capabilities.

Usually Dominic, Billy and Sean took turns being the designated big brother, staying sober enough to keep the two young women from being harassed by bar patrons. They'd automatically gone through their paper-scissors-rock routine to pick before they realised that the five of them going out was a lad's night now, no women in the mix.

It was an oddly uncomfortable thought.

Orlando headed straight for the bar the moment they entered and started testing out his new alcohol tolerance on shots of tequila, one after another. Elijah slid on to the seat next to him and ordered vodka.

When Dom and Billy suggested that perhaps they were drinking just a little bit too much, just a little too fast and should possibly slow down, a somewhat drunk Elijah snapped 'You don't have to babysit us. You never did.' back at them before throwing back yet another shot. So Dom and Billy retreated back to their usual table with Sean and kept an eye on them from a distance.

This would prove to be either a blessing or a curse when Orlando started flirting with a guy. Sean Astin spotted them first and choked on his current mouthful of drink when Orlando leaned over and touched the guy's face seductively. It was possibly time to go extract Orli from this situation as another man approached the pair.

They could hear him clearly over the noise of the bar and Sean was already on his feet by the time the words "Fucking Queers!" had left the new arrival's mouth. Orlando blinked for a moment and then the alcoholic haze lifted long enough for what the man had said to sink in.

Sean wasn't fast enough to get there before Orlando's fist swung up and connected with the other man's face with a dull, knuckle-crunching thud. Orlando, in his current drunken state, had forgotten that tucking his thumb inside the fist meant his knuckles would crack. He had though, still done some serious damage with his new strength.

When they finally, after much struggling and swearing, got Orli out of the bar and thus out of the fight, Sean realised that they'd left Elijah behind.

There was more swearing.

The ride back to the hotel was very quiet, Elijah wasn't speaking to Sean and Orli was clutching his hand protectively and muttering, "Stupid wanker, I think it's fucking broken."

Dom reached over and gently prodded the knuckles, Orlando whimpered, "Nah, you've just bruised it, next time don't tuck your thumb in when you punch. Actually, never punch anyone again.."

Orlando weaved his way drunkenly down the hallway towards his room, grumbling. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Elijah seemed perfectly capable of staying upright in a body that was both unfamiliar and drunk. It wasn't fair that stupid New Zealand redneck alcoholics thought that they had the right to call him names. It wasn't fair that the saying about girls having a higher tolerance for pain was true and now his knuckles hurt like a motherfucker from that idiot's jaw.

"Jesus, why does it even matter if I like boys or girls when I'm a boy? Who the fuck cares?" Orlando's uninjured palm was resting against the hotel corridor, keeping him upright as he tried to find his room key. Elijah, still silent and fuming, stumbled further down the hall to his own room.

"Ouch! Shit, motherfucking fuck." Orlando swore, dropping the key onto the carpet with a muted thunk.

"Y'swear more when you've got a dick." Elijah said quietly.

"Don't call it that. Don't want one of those." with a pout, Orlando tried to pick the key up off the ground without falling over, succeeding only in banging his sore hand on the floor. "Dammit. Stupid floor. Stupid hotel. Stupid country."

"Stupid dick." Elijah laughed, making no move to open his own door. "Wanted to get laid, stupid Sean acting like I'm his sister or something. Can look after myself. D'you think all boys think about sex this much?"

"If they do, I'm glad I'm a girl." Orlando gave up on picking up the key and slid down until his back was resting against the door, legs spread out on the carpet. "Nobody fucking understands."

"I do." Elijah pointed out. "You think you've got it bad? Do you remember what the guys you went to highschool with were like?"

Orlando chuckled. "Oh, man, they were, like, walking around with a permanent glazed look, it was so fucking funny..." the penny dropped. "Oh. Sweetie. You poor thing."

"Stupid Sean." Elijah repeated. "That guy was really nice, too. He said I had pretty eyes. I wanted to say 'you should have seen me before'." he sighed. "I miss mascara. A lot."

"You could put some on now. Nobody to see."

"If I tried, I'd probably stab myself in the eye. Not at my most sober right now."

"Yeah, me either."

Elijah doubled over with laughing. "Orli, you're sitting in a hotel corridor because you can't get your door open. Drunk doesn't really begin to cover it."

"Oh, because you can really talk. Horny teenage boy. Why don't you go have sex with your hand?"

"But I can do that when I'm a girl." Elijah whined. "I wanted a blowjob, dammit. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

"Yeah. Me too." Sighing mournfully, Orlando picked up his key and tried to stand again.

"You know..." Elijah said slowly. "It would be a shame not to take advantage of this. We'd never forgive ourselves..."

"... if we didn't try." Orlando finished.

"You up for it?"

"Are you?"

"Orlando, I'm an eighteen year old male. Right now I'm up for a strong wind."

"Well, get over here already then, you manly stud, you."

Kissing was strange, because the feel of a male mouth against his own was familiar to Elijah but not the feeling of his own mouth being male. Orlando didn't wear makeup as often as Elijah did under usual circumstances, the guys had joked to them on several occasions that they were the stereotypical femme and tomboy dichotomy - a word they insisted on pronouncing 'dick-o-tomy'. And it was true, Elijah loved to feel pretty and soft and curvy, whereas Orlando was slim and athletic and graceful no matter what gender his body decided to wake up as.

"Orli, I feel wrong." he murmured against the skin of Orlando's neck. "I feel like I woke up this morning and I was somebody else."

"You're still you. Still smell the same. Sound the same. Think the same." Orlando said, his tongue tracing lightly along the shell of Elijah's ear.

"Don't feel the same." Elijah sounded as lost and defenceless as he had insisted he wasn't in the bar.

"Sit down for a minute, here. Wait for me for a tick." Orlando planted Elijah on the edge of the bed and went into the bathroom. Elijah could hear the sounds of the tap running and assumed Orlando was splashing cold water on his face in an attempt at sobering up, before he returned a minute later with a tube of blueberry lipstick.

"Now, I can't promise I'll do a proper job in my current state of inebriation, but I probably won't poke you in the eye."

Elijah let Orlando paint the waxy makeup onto his flushed lips, the slick slide so familiar that he almost started crying - apparently he made an incredibly wimpy boy.

"Orli?"

"Yeah Lij?"

"What are we going to do if we never change back?"

"Well, for starters, I'm going to buy some manpanties. I really hate boxers."

Despite the situation, Elijah couldn't help laughing, falling backwards until his shoulderblades hit the mattress and rolling around helplessly.

"Watch it, you'll get lipstick everywhere." Orlando smiled, happy to see Elijah's usual good spirits return. "Now, I've been told that I'm somewhat of an oral sex goddess - well, god now, I suppose. Do you think you could help me verify that statement?"

"I could certainly offer a fresh perspective on the issue."

When Dom found them in bed together the next morning he screamed and ran out of the room, muttering about how he was never, ever going to be able to appreciate his female costars aesthetically if they were going to keep turning into boys and sleeping with other newly-minted boys. Ian was recruited to give them The Talk About Sexual Identity, but Orlando pointed out that they'd both liked boys for a very long time now, and had a lot of experience in that department what with being rather pretty under usual circumstances, and that the only things different now were the logistics.

So then Ian started talking about the logistics, which was akin to hearing your very cool uncle talk about the kama sutra. Orlando and Elijah very quickly remembered that there were new wardrobes to be purchased, and no time to hear about frottage.

****

The emergency shopping trip yielded several sets of jeans that fit, t-shirts that weren't either glittery, baby-doll or both, and more than enough new pairs of underwear.

It also yielded several moments where Orlando and Elijah automatically headed towards the woman's changing rooms and had to be herded back towards the men's by a quick thinking Billy. But that was nothing compared to Orlando and Dominic's argument over whether to buy boxers or briefs. Orlando didn't like the boxers because everything hung low and loose but he though briefs were too uncomfortable, not mention the fact that they were about as sexy as a rock.

Elijah stood to one side of the changing rooms, staring across to the racks of women's clothing while he tuned out the great underwear debate. He jumped when Sean patted his shoulder,

"Hey, you ok?"

He nodded, "Yeah. I'm fine... it's just... strange. And unnerving." Elijah gestured at the clothes, "I used to be able to wear those sort of things and now... now I can't."

Sean inspected a short floral halter dress. "They don't look very comfortable."

"Compared to male genitalia and Y-fronts? They're paradise."

When they got back to the hotel, it was time to pack away their old girl fashions and hang the new clothes up in their place. This led to Billy surveying the piles of lacey underwear and suggesting that seeing as they didn't need the bras anymore, they should have a ceremonial bra burning.

Orlando and Elijah declined, pointing out that they did not intend this to be a permanent thing and so they would be requiring them later on when they changed back. Because they were going to change back, right?

"I can hang on to them, if you want." Dominic suggested, getting a quizzical stare from Orlando. "What? Don't look at me like that. I'm not the one who grew a penis."

"Well, technically -" Billy started to say.

"Shut up, you. I'm just saying, if you want the girly clothes out of the way until things go back to normal, I've got an extra closet in my room. Remember? You people and your dirty minds."

It was decided that this would be the best idea, so with much grumbling from Orlando, they cleared out their closets and handed the resulting piles over to Dom to store.